Saturday, August 5, 2017

Into the Zenith

No matter how much I try I can't quite capure the beauty of Montana or how it actually looks coming from my eyes. It's this giant beautiful area of mountains that are cut into by humans. What is left are what they call the rims or what I'd call rips of mountain cliffs that are breathtaking.

Below these rims or rips is where we live small. Well technically we are small when you compare us to the mountains but if you live out west you live large. What I mean is everything feels so large and open it's like living with less and by less I mean crowded spaces and people purging in to destroy it all.

It's been two years since we left Pennsylvania and came west to live. I am sad when I see all the changes that are slowly tearing up Montana like the obvious we left behind back home. The land is being built on like that's all it's for. In reality we the humans are raping this world we are given and everything in it's path. The way we waste things, abuse animals, and treat each other. 
It's very depressing and I try not to let it get me down anymore. I do what I can because it will never be better, it will just one day be a myth like anything else. 

When we die, we are mourned but in the end people slowly forget us bit by bit until it's their turn to take the dirt nap. I for one can't stop hoping that I will one day will see my dogs running to me each doing their own happy dance. As for people I dont know because heaven to me is nature, plants and animals. I honestly can live with less people.

Today I decided to come here and write when I feel like it my bike log. I keep a personal journal but not daily. I dont have things to say each day because frankly nobody is there to listen but me and sometimes I dont know if I want to write down anything I honestly like writing books and I like reading more.

I am behind on editing because my job is just wearing me out. I love the work I do but people, god they just slay me mentally with their neediness. I dont know if people ever truly realize how much they are draining to another with their own misery. I like happy people, that think positive and vibe with me. There arent that many that do. Maybe writers are meant to be alone because nobody seems to get me or that I write but my dog or the others that are creative like I am.

I started riding my bike when I took my week off work and stayed home to write. It felt so good like no vacation or time off I have ever had. I rode in the early mornings, wrote all day only stopping for a short break to eat or run an errand then had dinner ready when Phil came home. Repeated each day until I went back to work. Now I run on the treadmill during the week and bike on the weekends.

Today I rode 9 miles. I saw Judy and her dog I met by the church when I was on my week off, then I ran into Al and his dog Mia who live on Legends. Legends is a street in a housing development. Every time I ride there I realize I will probably not get married or have a house. I am already 53 and it's like so far away I can't even fathom it being a reality. It's like anything else -- someday it will happen. No it's not someday, I dont any longer wait for someday. I've left both those things go as a myth. I want to live life and if they happen then they are meant to be but if not then they aren't.

I can't live on hold. Phil might feel differently but that's how I feel. Marriage doesnt have to be this expensive affair you pay the rest of your life for nor does a house. A home is where you are. Love is where you are. Everything we want in life is right in front of us but humans make it all complicated and necessary. 

Anyway I am working towards getting my current book published by Halloween because I fricking love Halloween. I will ride my bike because it makes me stronger and my life feel less hectic. I will love, laugh and live.